![]() The listener just listens, and repeats back what they have heard: “What I heard you say was…”. ![]() It also stops long-winded monologues and emotions rising. Remember it has to be short because the other person has to repeat it and feel what it’s like for you. The speaker chooses a topic and may start with “I’d like to talk about …”. The speaker uses one short sentence at a time.One chooses to speak first while the other listens. Ok, now we can startīecause it’s a conversation there’s a speaker and a listener. This exercise can help build trust if used correctly. There has to be a willingness to feel emotions and be honest about those feelings.They need to be willing to try to experience what the other person is feeling as they speak.The couple needs to come to this exercise with a real desire to resolve an issue and a willingness to listen.Reflective Listening is effectively a slowed down conversation requiring time and attention. The “argument” becomes dissolved because we’re no longer in it – we’ve dropped beneath it in a simple yet subtly powerful way.Īs one partner might say (in a relieved and positive voice) “I had no idea you we’re thinking that!” or “I had no idea and it makes me really sad to hear you felt that way”. In Reflective Listening done well we can have the uncanny feeling of suddenly coming to the position of a third person, of breaking through an impasse. Reflective Listening is about getting to the heart of the misunderstanding, and finding out (underneath this) what’s actually happening for the other person. If the other person is upset it usually means we don’t really understand what is going on for them at a feeling level. And since we already know what we think, we are learning nothing. Simply put, in bad communication we spend most of our energy getting our point across, or defending ourselves. If it matters to one person then it is worth the time needed for the other person to understand. A healthy couple listens to their partner’s concerns. If something is important enough to fight about this means it is important for the couple to work on. Here we’ll describe a simple method we teach to our clients that addresses the third issue above, communication itself. The communication itself: when there is a shortage of empathy, when people don’t listen, when they defend themselves, when they miss security questions.This often shows up in communication as couples fighting about how they fight. Real-World Issues: such as differences of opinion on money, family, debt, children, blended families, houses.When couples come to us saying they have communication issues it is usually due to one or two of the following reasons:
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